updated August 7, 2025
How to Listen So People Will Talk: Build Stronger Communication and Deeper Connections
By Becky Harling
Published in 2017 by Bethany House Publishers
When I searched for this book online, I typed How to Talk so People Will Listen into my browser. And it turns out, there is a book by that title.
But my faux pas illustrates why we need to read this book. Most of us would rather talk than listen. Or in the case of social media, post instead of read.
Let the wise listen
Proverbs 1:5
Becky Harling-speaker, coach, trainer
Becky Harling is a certified John Maxwell speaker, coach, and trainer. From reading this book, I am convinced she knows more about communication than most of us.
She and her husband Steve pastored churches for many years. Now they travel internationally speaking on spiritual growth, leadership, communication, and world missions.
She quotes Maxwell in the book, along with several other names I recognize-Maya Angelou, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Dale Carnegie, and Dee Brestin; the Mayo Clinic and Psychology Today; and Jesus.
I appreciate authors who realize they don’t have the definitive word on anything and seek out others’ viewpoints. Literally, the first words in the book are from the Bible, Proverbs 1:5
Let the wise listen and add to their learning.
Proverbs 1:5
Listen by keeping your mouth shut.
Becky’s advice can be summarized in four words-keep your mouth shut. Fortunately for readers, she says it in a much nicer way.
Most of us listen to others so they will listen to us. She wants us to listen to people say things we may not want to hear or may not like or that make us uncomfortable.
Listen effectively
- Ask great questions. (She points out that Jesus was a master at this.)
- Don’t be a fixer.
- Show empathy (which doesn’t mean sharing what happened to you.)
- Validate feelings.
- Use body language to show interest.
- Don’t be distracted.
Sounds easy, right? If you think you’re doing well at listening, test yourself with the exercises she includes at the end of each chapter.
First, read one or two suggested scriptures, then ask yourself some pertinent questions, and then do real-life practice. She calls these “biblically based, practical listening skills.” I think you will find them not so easy.
“Listening is like a muscle. The more we develop and train, the stronger our skills will become and the more effective we’ll become.”
Listening through conflict
I think the most helpful chapter was the one titled Practical Principles for Listening in Conflict. One tip-listen to agree.
She also discusses how to avoid conflict and three rules for dealing with a toxic person. She warns-don’t stay in a physically abusive relationship.
Listening to those who matter
I expected Becky’s book to be “10 quick and easy steps to perfect communication”. It was not.
Becky addresses interpersonal communication between family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors since those are the people we have the most difficulty listening to, but most need to listen to.
“We are never able to go back and retrieve lost moments, so be attentive. Eliminate distractions that are robbing your ability to listen. Offer your full presence to those you love. “
Listening on social media…
Although Becky does not address it, I think these principles can apply to virtual communication. These communication methods may lack visual clues, so using listening techniques such as questions, validation, and empathy can make these conversations more productive.
Listening to connect
I’m afraid Becky’s plan will not be popular with those who talk only to promote their personal agenda without regard to others’ feelings or opinions. To her, talking is definitely a partnership not a performance.
This book will be a valuable resource for those who want to create a new standard of listening to understand, affirm, and build relationships.
Beckly includes a Notes section at the end listing references for each chapter, both print and online sources.
Also by Becky
Disclaimer
The book links are affiliate links , as are the photo links-their use helps fund this blog and sharing the HEART of health around the world.
I received a digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a review. Find my other NetGalley reviews on the website.
Exploring the HEART of listening
How are your listening skills? Do you listen to talk, or listen to learn?
Becky suggests asking great questions to get great answers. Here are some to try. (These are not necessarily in the book.)
- What is making your life interesting now?
- What would you like to change about your life right now?
- What would you like to change about the world right now?
Follow these up with questions probing the reason they answered that way. Remember, you’re asking to understand, not to debate.
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This remind me of a book I read when my girls were little. I don’t remember the author but it was called How To Behave So Your Children Will Too. This is really interesting and insightful.
Thanks bunches for sharing with Bookish Bliss Musings & More Quarterly Link Up dear friend.
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That sounds interesting Paula. I think learning to communicate better is needed for everyone at all stages of life.
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People often tell me I’m a good listener, but I always have trouble when I’m particularly invested in the conversation, so I know I could work on this, for sure! This sounds like a great book. Visiting from the Bookish Bliss linkup.
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Thanks so much for sharing with Bookish Bliss Musings & More Quarterly Link Up.
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I love that there’s a book for how to talk so people will listen, but I would definitely prefer this one over it! I think society would be much better off if more people listened.
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Yes, Farrah, I’ve noticed a lack of listening. Everyone wants to vent their own opinion, complaint, grievance without hearing from others. It’s especially disturbing when our elected officials don’t listen to their constituents but we all are guilty of it much of the time. Thanks for visiting.
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This sounds like a very interesting read. People need to listen more.
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Interesting book. I like the message “don’t be a fixer”. It’s always so tempting to wade in with advice. Quite often the other person just wants to offload. Thanks for linking
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Why do I think I read this? I’ve read several of her books and this sounds really familiar. This is a fantastic review and message. I appreciate your insights and thoughts here.
Visiting today from FF#20&21
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Thank you Paula, I’m glad it spoke to you. I hope its message speaks to a lot of folks in these days of speak first, listen later, if at all.
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How to listen so people will talk . . . that’s quite a concept. I had to sit and think about the statement for a few seconds to let its impact sink in. I tend to be a “fixer” trying to give advice or help solve a problem when the other person wants simply to talk. Thanks for sharing this book.
Thank you for participating in Talent-Sharing Tuesdays Link-Up 21.
Carol
http://www.scribblingboomer.com
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That’s exactly what she discussed in the book, she also was a fixer. Thanks for commenting Carol.
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Thank you for sharing this book review, Aletha. I have been working on my listening skills for a while now. I call the kind of listening you describe as deep listening. Suspending judgment, the need to fix something, or to form a response. Avoiding distractions, and just listening. As you say, it’s more challenging than you may think.
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Christie, that is a perfect summary of what the author wrote.
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Thank you, Dr. Aletha, for sharing this on Traffic Jam Weekend. It has been chosen as a fave feature for this week’s link party that goes live on Thursday at 5:00 pm CST.
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That’s wonderful, more people need this book’s message .
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This book is right up my alley. I love the point of showing empathy without sharing what happened to you. Don’t you hate it when that happens? Someone is showing empathy to you and now they are off on a tangent telling their story. That’s not the way. I will add this to my library as it fits into my current work. Thanks for sharing.
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