Becky Harling – watercress words by Dr Aletha

updated August 7, 2025

How to Listen So People Will Talk: Build Stronger Communication and Deeper Connections

By Becky Harling

Published in 2017 by Bethany House Publishers

When I searched for this book online, I typed How to Talk so People Will Listen into my browser. And it turns out, there is a book by that title.

available on Amazon

But my faux pas illustrates why we need to read this book. Most of us would rather talk than listen. Or in the case of social media, post instead of read.

Let the wise listen
Proverbs 1:5

Becky Harling-speaker, coach, trainer

Becky Harling is a certified John Maxwell speaker, coach, and trainer. From reading this book, I am convinced she knows more about communication than most of us.

She and her husband Steve pastored churches for many years. Now they travel internationally speaking on spiritual growth, leadership, communication, and world missions.

She quotes Maxwell in the book, along with several other names I recognize-Maya Angelou, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Dale Carnegie, and Dee Brestin; the Mayo Clinic and Psychology Today; and Jesus.

I appreciate authors who realize they don’t have the definitive word on anything and seek out others’ viewpoints. Literally, the first words in the book are from the Bible, Proverbs 1:5

Let the wise listen and add to their learning.
Proverbs 1:5

two males talking, books on a table beside them

Listen by keeping your mouth shut.

Becky’s advice can be summarized in four words-keep your mouth shut. Fortunately for readers, she says it in a much nicer way.

Most of us listen to others so they will listen to us. She wants us to listen to people say things we may not want to hear or may not like or that make us uncomfortable.

Listen effectively

Ask great questions. (She points out that Jesus was a master at this.)
Don’t be a fixer.
Show empathy (which doesn’t mean sharing what happened to you.)
Validate feelings.
Use body language to show interest.
Don’t be distracted.

Sounds easy, right? If you think you’re doing well at listening, test yourself with the exercises she includes at the end of each chapter.

First, read one or two suggested scriptures, then ask yourself some pertinent questions, and then do real-life practice. She calls these “biblically based, practical listening skills.” I think you will find them not so easy.

“Listening is like a muscle. The more we develop and train, the stronger our skills will become and the more effective we’ll become.”

two women, talking, sitting across a table, with coffee and open Bibles

Listening through conflict

I think the most helpful chapter was the one titled Practical Principles for Listening in Conflict. One tip-listen to agree.

She also discusses how to avoid conflict and three rules for dealing with a toxic person. She warns-don’t stay in a physically abusive relationship.

Listening to those who matter

I expected Becky’s book to be “10 quick and easy steps to perfect communication”. It was not.

Becky addresses interpersonal communication between family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors since those are the people we have the most difficulty listening to, but most need to listen to.

“We are never able to go back and retrieve lost moments, so be attentive. Eliminate distractions that are robbing your ability to listen. Offer your full presence to those you love. “

Although Becky does not address it, I think these principles can apply to virtual communication. These communication methods may lack visual clues, so using listening techniques such as questions, validation, and empathy can make these conversations more productive.

Listening to connect

I’m afraid Becky’s plan will not be popular with those who talk only to promote their personal agenda without regard to others’ feelings or opinions. To her, talking is definitely a partnership not a performance.

This book will be a valuable resource for those who want to create a new standard of listening to understand, affirm, and build relationships.

Beckly includes a Notes section at the end listing references for each chapter, both print and online sources.

Also by Becky

HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR KIDS WILL TALK

Disclaimer

The book links are affiliate links , as are the photo links-their use helps fund this blog and sharing the HEART of health around the world.

I received a digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a review. Find my other NetGalley reviews on the website.

Exploring the HEART of listening

How are your listening skills? Do you listen to talk, or listen to learn?

Becky suggests asking great questions to get great answers. Here are some to try. (These are not necessarily in the book.)

What is making your life interesting now?
What would you like to change about your life right now?
What would you like to change about the world right now?

Follow these up with questions probing the reason they answered that way. Remember, you’re asking to understand, not to debate.

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