Category: relationships-family, marriage, parenting

How to Listen So People Will Talk-a book review

In this post I review the book “How to Listen So People Will Talk” by Becky Harling. She emphasizes the importance of listening in effective communication. The author, a certified John Maxwell speaker and coach, provides practical tips, including asking questions, showing empathy, and using body language. The book addresses listening through conflict and enhancing interpersonal relationships
and virtual communication.

updated August 7, 2025

How to Listen So People Will Talk: Build Stronger Communication and Deeper Connections

By Becky Harling

Published in 2017 by Bethany House Publishers

When I searched for this book online, I typed How to Talk so People Will Listen into my browser. And it turns out, there is a book by that title.

available on Amazon

But my faux pas illustrates why we need to read this book. Most of us would rather talk than listen. Or in the case of social media, post instead of read.

Let the wise listen

Proverbs 1:5

Becky Harling-speaker, coach, trainer

Becky Harling is a certified John Maxwell speaker, coach, and trainer. From reading this book, I am convinced she knows more about communication than most of us.

She and her husband Steve pastored churches for many years. Now they travel internationally speaking on spiritual growth, leadership, communication, and world missions.

She quotes Maxwell in the book, along with several other names I recognize-Maya Angelou, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Dale Carnegie, and Dee Brestin; the Mayo Clinic and Psychology Today; and Jesus.

I appreciate authors who realize they don’t have the definitive word on anything and seek out others’ viewpoints. Literally, the first words in the book are from the Bible, Proverbs 1:5

Let the wise listen and add to their learning.

Proverbs 1:5
two males talking, books on a table beside them

Listen by keeping your mouth shut.

Becky’s advice can be summarized in four words-keep your mouth shut. Fortunately for readers, she says it in a much nicer way.

Most of us listen to others so they will listen to us. She wants us to listen to people say things we may not want to hear or may not like or that make us uncomfortable.

Listen effectively

  • Ask great questions. (She points out that Jesus was a master at this.)
  • Don’t be a fixer.
  • Show empathy (which doesn’t mean sharing what happened to you.)
  • Validate feelings.
  • Use body language to show interest.
  • Don’t be distracted.

Sounds easy, right? If you think you’re doing well at listening, test yourself with the exercises she includes at the end of each chapter.

First, read one or two suggested scriptures, then ask yourself some pertinent questions, and then do real-life practice. She calls these “biblically based, practical listening skills.” I think you will find them not so easy.

“Listening is like a muscle. The more we develop and train, the stronger our skills will become and the more effective we’ll become.”

two women, talking, sitting across a table, with coffee and open Bibles

Listening through conflict

I think the most helpful chapter was the one titled Practical Principles for Listening in Conflict. One tip-listen to agree.

She also discusses how to avoid conflict and three rules for dealing with a toxic person. She warns-don’t stay in a physically abusive relationship.

Listening to those who matter

I expected Becky’s book to be “10 quick and easy steps to perfect communication”. It was not.

Becky addresses interpersonal communication between family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors since those are the people we have the most difficulty listening to, but most need to listen to.

“We are never able to go back and retrieve lost moments, so be attentive. Eliminate distractions that are robbing your ability to listen. Offer your full presence to those you love. “

Listening on social media…

Although Becky does not address it, I think these principles can apply to virtual communication. These communication methods may lack visual clues, so using listening techniques such as questions, validation, and empathy can make these conversations more productive.

man looking at a phone screen

Listening to connect

I’m afraid Becky’s plan will not be popular with those who talk only to promote their personal agenda without regard to others’ feelings or opinions. To her, talking is definitely a partnership not a performance.

This book will be a valuable resource for those who want to create a new standard of listening to understand, affirm, and build relationships.

Beckly includes a Notes section at the end listing references for each chapter, both print and online sources.

Also by Becky

HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR KIDS WILL TALK

Disclaimer

The book links are affiliate links , as are the photo links-their use helps fund this blog and sharing the HEART of health around the world.

I received a digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a review. Find my other NetGalley reviews on the website.

NETGALLEY MEMBER PROFESSIONAL READER

Exploring the HEART of listening

How are your listening skills? Do you listen to talk, or listen to learn?

Becky suggests asking great questions to get great answers. Here are some to try. (These are not necessarily in the book.)

  1. What is making your life interesting now?
  2. What would you like to change about your life right now?
  3. What would you like to change about the world right now?

Follow these up with questions probing the reason they answered that way. Remember, you’re asking to understand, not to debate.

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7 tips to calm anxiety and worry

In 2025, with new health and economic challenges arising, such as measles outbreaks and trade wars, I revisit advice from the COVID-19 era to manage anxiety. Key strategies include limiting news consumption, naming fears, helping others, seeking support wisely, and prioritizing self-care to maintain mental well-being amidst ongoing concerns.

updated April 21, 2025

I originally wrote this post during the COVID-19 pandemic. Now in 2025 we have new but not necessarily less significant concerns.

Healthwise, measles has made a resurgence in humans. Bird flu, H5N1 flu virus, is rampant throughout animals and threatens to jump into humans.

The world is in an economic crisis due to tariffs and a trade war. And wars in the Middle East, Eastern Europe, and many other places threaten the safety and lives of millions.

So use this advice originally offered to manage pandemic anxiety to manage concerns about the world situation today. Because let’s face it, there will always be something to worry about.

The original 2020 post

Even physicians feel stressed and uneasy about the COVID-19 pandemic, maybe more so than others. We’re supposed to be the ones with the answers to our patients’ questions and have the means to help them.

One of my collagues read an article about dealing with this stress, and to decrease our stress from he shared it in an email, with some edits.

So I am sharing it here. I have added a few of my thoughts and some references, as well as a link to the original article from CNNhealth.

Limit the frequency of your updates, including social media  

With one of my patients, I suggested allowing herself one news check-in for 30 minutes each morning. 

Choose a frequency and a time that works for you.  But why stop there? 

Consider a social media sabbatical.   Give it a week and see how you feel. Taking the apps off your phone or tablet helps keep you accountable. 

diagram of the human brain.
The major parts of the brain, including the pineal gland, cerebellum, spinal cord, brain stem, pituitary gland, and cerebrum are labeled. photo courtesy of Source: National Cancer Institute Creator: Alan Hoofring (Illustrator)

Name your fears

Recognize that we all have a negativity bias hard-wired into our brains.  It’s a leftover evolutionary tool that helped keep our caveman and hunter-gatherer ancestors alive. 

Unfortunately, it overestimates the likelihood that something tragic will befall us, and underestimates our capacity and resources to cope. 

Conversely, if you minimize or ignore the threat of the pandemic, ask yourself if you should take it more seriously. If your reactions don’t match those of others in your community, your fear may have driven you to denial.

diverse people standing arm in arm

Think outside yourself: 

If/when you are feeling overly worried and anxious, and your thinking feels contracted and hopeless, turn your thoughts to how you can help someone else.

This may be a child or other family member, a group of society that is at risk or marginalized at this time, or some of the groups at higher risk due to their occupations, age, or medical conditions. 

When our thoughts turn to serving others, symptoms of worry, anxiety and depression lessen, and we feel better about ourselves. 

And this does not have to be anything big, simply shifting to focus off of ourselves and onto someone else helps.

a smiling woman working on a laptop computer
Physicians and counselors are available virtually, by phone or video visits.

Seek support, but do it wisely 

Don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it.  And that goes for us caregivers too. 

We are not, and should not think of ourselves, as impervious to the various stressors, the disrupted routines and all of the uncertainty that is prevalent in the world right now.

Ask someone you can trust to be objective and rational, and not feed your worries or concerns. 

a basket filled with fruits and vegetables
a girl sitting in grass reading a book.
a simple bed, window shade down, small lamp on a side table
close up of walking down a road in sports shoes

Pay attention to your basic needs

Don’t get so wrapped up in thinking about the threats that you forget the essential, healthy practices that keep you physically well. 

  • Getting adequate sleep
  • Keeping up with proper nutrition
  • Getting outside as much as possible
  • Engaging in regular physical activity

Practicing mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and spiritual disciplines will  help center you in routines and awareness, and keep your mind from wandering into the dark and sometimes irrational unknown.

a women with hands clasped in prayer with a Bible

Don’t chastise yourself for worrying. 

Again, this is part of our normal programming.  And to help kids when they are scared, don’t just tell them everything is going to be alright. 

a man reading to two young girls, sitting in a woman's lap

Let them know you hear their concerns and that you understand where they are coming from.  And THEN give them evidence and reasoning for the opposite side of the worry equation.  

Acknowledge their fears, and validate them…  And then do the same for yourself.

This post was adapted from this article on CNNhealth

How to keep coronavirus fears from affecting your mental health

Thanks to my guest writer-Dane Treat, M.D.

Dr. Treat graduated from the University of Oklahoma medical school, although a couple of decades later than I did. He completed residency at Good Samaritan Family Practice in Phoenix, where he lives and practices now. He also completed a Sports Medicine fellowship. He is a student of Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction. He wisely married a Mayo Clinic trained gastroenterologist, and they are the proud parents of a daughter.

near Phoenix, at Scottsdale Arizona, The Boulders Resort; photo by Dr. Aletha

If you are depressed and thinking about or planning suicide, please stop and call this number now-988

988lifeline.org

SUICIDE AND CRISIS LIFELINE. CALL.TEXT.CHAT

Exploring the HEART of Health

I’d love for you to follow this blog and follow me on social media.

I share information and inspiration to help you transform challenges into opportunities for learning and growth.

Add your name to the subscribe box to be notified of new posts by email. Click the link to read the post and browse other content. It’s that simple. No spam.

I enjoy seeing who is new to Watercress Words. When you subscribe, I will visit your blog or website. Thanks and see you next time.

Dr. Aletha