How to Listen So People Will Talk-a book review

In this post I review the book “How to Listen So People Will Talk” by Becky Harling. She emphasizes the importance of listening in effective communication. The author, a certified John Maxwell speaker and coach, provides practical tips, including asking questions, showing empathy, and using body language. The book addresses listening through conflict and enhancing interpersonal relationships
and virtual communication.

updated August 7, 2025

How to Listen So People Will Talk: Build Stronger Communication and Deeper Connections

By Becky Harling

Published in 2017 by Bethany House Publishers

When I searched for this book online, I typed How to Talk so People Will Listen into my browser. And it turns out, there is a book by that title.

available on Amazon

But my faux pas illustrates why we need to read this book. Most of us would rather talk than listen. Or in the case of social media, post instead of read.

Let the wise listen

Proverbs 1:5

Becky Harling-speaker, coach, trainer

Becky Harling is a certified John Maxwell speaker, coach, and trainer. From reading this book, I am convinced she knows more about communication than most of us.

She and her husband Steve pastored churches for many years. Now they travel internationally speaking on spiritual growth, leadership, communication, and world missions.

She quotes Maxwell in the book, along with several other names I recognize-Maya Angelou, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Dale Carnegie, and Dee Brestin; the Mayo Clinic and Psychology Today; and Jesus.

I appreciate authors who realize they don’t have the definitive word on anything and seek out others’ viewpoints. Literally, the first words in the book are from the Bible, Proverbs 1:5

Let the wise listen and add to their learning.

Proverbs 1:5
two males talking, books on a table beside them

Listen by keeping your mouth shut.

Becky’s advice can be summarized in four words-keep your mouth shut. Fortunately for readers, she says it in a much nicer way.

Most of us listen to others so they will listen to us. She wants us to listen to people say things we may not want to hear or may not like or that make us uncomfortable.

Listen effectively

  • Ask great questions. (She points out that Jesus was a master at this.)
  • Don’t be a fixer.
  • Show empathy (which doesn’t mean sharing what happened to you.)
  • Validate feelings.
  • Use body language to show interest.
  • Don’t be distracted.

Sounds easy, right? If you think you’re doing well at listening, test yourself with the exercises she includes at the end of each chapter.

First, read one or two suggested scriptures, then ask yourself some pertinent questions, and then do real-life practice. She calls these “biblically based, practical listening skills.” I think you will find them not so easy.

“Listening is like a muscle. The more we develop and train, the stronger our skills will become and the more effective we’ll become.”

two women, talking, sitting across a table, with coffee and open Bibles

Listening through conflict

I think the most helpful chapter was the one titled Practical Principles for Listening in Conflict. One tip-listen to agree.

She also discusses how to avoid conflict and three rules for dealing with a toxic person. She warns-don’t stay in a physically abusive relationship.

Listening to those who matter

I expected Becky’s book to be “10 quick and easy steps to perfect communication”. It was not.

Becky addresses interpersonal communication between family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors since those are the people we have the most difficulty listening to, but most need to listen to.

“We are never able to go back and retrieve lost moments, so be attentive. Eliminate distractions that are robbing your ability to listen. Offer your full presence to those you love. “

Listening on social media…

Although Becky does not address it, I think these principles can apply to virtual communication. These communication methods may lack visual clues, so using listening techniques such as questions, validation, and empathy can make these conversations more productive.

man looking at a phone screen

Listening to connect

I’m afraid Becky’s plan will not be popular with those who talk only to promote their personal agenda without regard to others’ feelings or opinions. To her, talking is definitely a partnership not a performance.

This book will be a valuable resource for those who want to create a new standard of listening to understand, affirm, and build relationships.

Beckly includes a Notes section at the end listing references for each chapter, both print and online sources.

Also by Becky

HOW TO LISTEN SO YOUR KIDS WILL TALK

Disclaimer

The book links are affiliate links , as are the photo links-their use helps fund this blog and sharing the HEART of health around the world.

I received a digital copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for a review. Find my other NetGalley reviews on the website.

NETGALLEY MEMBER PROFESSIONAL READER

Exploring the HEART of listening

How are your listening skills? Do you listen to talk, or listen to learn?

Becky suggests asking great questions to get great answers. Here are some to try. (These are not necessarily in the book.)

  1. What is making your life interesting now?
  2. What would you like to change about your life right now?
  3. What would you like to change about the world right now?

Follow these up with questions probing the reason they answered that way. Remember, you’re asking to understand, not to debate.

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Dr. Aletha

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Keith Wheeler-a Cross and COVID

No, I wasn’t mad at God, I know that bad things happen to everyone. Jesus said that whoever wants to save their life should lose it, (Luke 9:24) so I know that either way I would be with Him. Jesus is my hope, my confidence, and peace, in all my life, including COVID.

If you missed part 1 of this series, you may want to read it first.

Keith Wheeler- a cross and a collarbone

Keith walks around doing what he simply calls “serving God, loving people.” He started in Tulsa, Oklahoma on Good Friday 1985 and thought it was going to be a one-time event. But he felt God wanted him to continue carrying the cross around the surrounding towns, then the rest of Oklahoma, and on into surrounding…

In it, I introduced you to Keith Wheeler who has walked around the world-literally; he has covered over 25,000 miles on all 7 continents. He can’t say how many countries, since names and boundaries change, but it’s at least 180. And on every step, he has carried a 90 pounds, 12 feet by 6 feet cross draped over his shoulder.

Keith does this because he loves Jesus, and he wants people to know that Jesus loves them too. In his own words,

“I love God and I love the people of the world. To me, ministry is simply the overflow of a life lived in love with Jesus. I feel that Jesus has many servants but very few friends. It’s one thing to be called a friend; it’s another to actually be a friend. I want to be His friend.

2020-a travel interruption

After trips to Tuvalu, Brazil, the Caribbean, and Northwest Territories, Canada in early 2020, Keith’s travels were interrupted by the pandemic in March. For the rest of 2020 he walked through the Tulsa Oklahoma area, near his home and even made it to Washington, D.C. where he encountered some people he knows from Tulsa.

Keith in Washington, D.C.

I’ll tell you more about his 2020 activities in the next post of this series.

2021- travel resumes; then another interruption

He travelled to Paraguay in March 2021 despite difficult pandemic travel restrictions.  By the time he landed back home at Tulsa International Airport he was feeling unwell. Over the next day he continued “feeling a little puny”, with a sore throat and stuffy nose. He consulted a physician who recommended a nasal swab viral test-and so on March 21, 2021, Keith was diagnosed with COVID-19.

A special time with Jesus

On Keith’s Facebook page from March 21 through 28, 2021, he described his “COVID timeout”. He did a series of videos from his study, where he keeps his second cross that has been retired. He spent much of his time there, to remain isolated from his family. He called this a “special time with Jesus.”

In November 2021 I visited with Keith by video to talk about his life, his ministry, and specifically his COVID-19 illness. As I mentioned in part 1, it’s hard to interview Keith about himself, because invariably he turns the conversation back to Jesus. But that’s how he lives his life, so to meet Keith is to meet Jesus.

This part will be in interview format with me as AO and Keith as KW. It is edited for clarity and  I’ve inserted some background information for context.

The interview-November 2021

AO: Keith, how did you feel when you learned you had COVID-19? Were you a little mad at God, after all you caught it while you were travelling on his behalf? Did you worry that you might die of COVID?

KW: No, I wasn’t mad at God, I know that bad things happen to everyone. Jesus said that whoever wants to save their life should lose it, (Luke 9:24) so I know that either way I would be with Him. Jesus is my hope, my confidence, and peace, in all my life, including COVID.

AO: Keith, what was COVID like for you? How did you manage the symptoms?

KW: I had sniffles, a sore throat, and chills. I lost my sense of smell; and I still don’t have it for bad smells. The worst was my mental focus was off, so much so I couldn’t read.  I was sleepy and slept a lot. I kept myself hydrated, took vitamins, and concentrated on breathing.

AO: And what about your wife?

KW: Nicole was out of town when I got home from Paraguay and got diagnosed with COVID. So I had time to sanitize the areas of the house I had used and moved upstairs before she returned.  

She would leave meals at the bottom of the stairs, I would come down, take it back up. I would sit at the top of the stairs eating and she sat at the bottom, so we could still have meals together. When I felt up to it, we went outdoors for walks-she walked on the sidewalk and I walked in the middle of the street, 6 feet away.

In his COVID timeout videos, each day he said he was “doing well”, and by the 24th,  he was “better”. By Sunday March 28, he ended isolation-fitting since that was Palm Sunday, the day Christians remember Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey; a week later he would be crucified on a cross like the one Keith carries. (John 12:12-14)

By Good Friday, April 2, 2021, Keith was back out on the road, carrying the cross in Florida.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted much since my Covid “timeout”! Lots of fun things have been going on… As we carried the cross in Florida on Good Friday so very many precious, beautiful people came to the cross…

Of course, the pandemic was still active, so when necessary, Keith masked up-in his own style of course.

HAHA! WAAAY better than the “standard” blue face mask!

Keith and I talked about lessons learned from the pandemic and his thoughts on the division that has rocked our nation this past 2 years. He calls this a “season of adjustment” in which we have “missed the presence of Jesus.” I’ll share more about that in part 3, as well as a unique encounter right here in Tulsa.

Exploring the HEART of health with Keith Wheeler

a world globe with two crossed bandaids

Doctor Aletha